1st of May - This whole healing crisis seems to have been linked to something deep in the earth (not me, thankfully). The flow of power seems to have been held back, maybe even from all living things, not just me.The Nepali earthquake seems to have done some correcting of the earth's imbalance. My energy began to flow again this morning, maybe equal to the power it was in November. Here's hoping it will go back to its fullest power of 20 years ago!:)
I've been having less and less Reiki energy over the last 5 yrs. It's been worrying - since once you have healing hands you can't live without it - but I need to finally admit and accept it. I've lived in denial for so long.
There could be several reasons for it. The first being aging, of course, I've slowed down in so many other ways that this should just fit in. The second is probably my years of fighting doubt and scepticism even as I heal. It's probably worn out my nervous circuits to be pulled in two ways at once all the bloody time - but most people who love science can't help it. We're habitual doubters. The third might be my smoking, which is way too much. This I definitely feel sorry about, but it's a habit too that even guilt just strengthens - I get too much pleasure and relaxation out of it that I just can't give it up.
I can't think of anything but those three reasons for losing this wonderful capacity. I do plan to try meditations and other things to hang on to it, but I've done this once before to no avail. About 15 yrs ago, I used to spontaneously 'merge' with the world - a kind of energizing 'aha' experience, or mini-enlightenments - that filled my life with joy. Then I left to the US to do my Masters and over the two years there, I began to lose that capacity. It made me frantic to hold on to it and I tried everything I could but that capacity simply vanished from my life never to return.
The big downside of my fear of losing my healing powers is that I hesitate to reach out to heal. If I'm to lose this too, I'm probably really rapidly heading towards death, just as my guides predicted (Well, what they said was more like, "you'll never lack for money until you die, so don't worry about it." which made me read a short life into it because I really don't have much money to live on.:)
I really dread going back to a life without healing.
------------- 5 Apr
Since I wrote this, I've had a kind of epiphany about what might be happening, which has given me a lot of peace of mind. I've been less aware of a larger change to being a more healing person overall alongside this loss of feeling in my hands. But it's been there.
The dogs flock to me like never before - maybe the channeling into the hands has transformed into a channeling through the aura and my entire body? Maybe I'm beyond the hands-on healing rather than losing it.
The same kind of change might be what's been happening to me in terms of awareness and consciousness too. I might be more merged with the larger, higher consciousness than I used to be when I would have those merging episodes - perhaps it is more continuous now, so I'm not less, but more.
These thoughts have made me feel more at peace with the process of losing the highs.:)